I have gotten older and wiser I find myself reading product labels more often and more closely than ever before. I look for both the ingredients and instructions on their use. Sometimes the assembly or use instructions are either lacking, confusing or downright funny. This can occur because the expert whose writing assumes comprehension or knowledge on the part of the reader that doesn’t exist. On imported products the instruction often loses clarity or specificity in translation. I remember reading a Japanese automobile user manual for a car that had a Fisher Body and the frame was stamped “Body by Fisher”. The manual on the other hand translated it as “Corpse by Fisher”. Sometimes the labeling is just cautionary based on the lowest common denominator. Some of the following product labels will probably give a similar smile. Enjoy. (These are from actual products)
On a New Zealand insect spray.
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists.
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
On a Taiwanese shampoo.
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink.
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
In a US guide to setting up a new computer.
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles.
OPEN OTHER END.
On a bag of Fritos.
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap.
DIRECTIONS – USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding.
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let’s experiment.)
On a Korean kitchen knife.
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
On a Japanese food processor.
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I’m curious.)
On Sainsbury’s peanuts.
WARNING – CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Probably peanuts!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts.
INSTRUCTIONS – OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (In that order? I’m glad they cleared that up.)
On a child’s superman costume.
WARNING: WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That’s right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
On some frozen dinners.
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST. (OK)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron.
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY. (OK, I’ll iron in the nude!)
On Boot’s “Children’s” cough medicine.
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY. (OK I’ll let my kid drive!)
On Nytol sleep aid.
WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!)
Have you got any priceless ones?